I don’t know how to explain it to someone who hasn’t experienced it but when there is no joy in life you do it because you’re suppose to and that battle between doing it for others or hoping that tomorrow will be worth it isn’t a very noticing battle to fight. Life isn’t about being afraid of dying it’s about being afraid of not dying. What happens if I try to kill myself and it doesn’t work.

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Machine guns are no where near as good personal protection as handguns and shotguns. Machine guns are no where near as good as a decent bolt action rifle for hunting. A machine gun is not going to protect you from the government if it goes full tyrant on you, you will be killed by the military, and the effectiveness of poor insurgencies you see in places like the middle east are successfull because the military power of the US is highly held back because of it not being a full on autocracy.

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Ultimately, yes having two kids, in the circumstances you did, would be a deal breaker for men who are not interested in being a father figure. And you have to be aware of anyone who is too keen to get close to your kids. So I feel for you you in an unenviable position of trying to establish an equal relationship where there is an acknowledgement that your kids come first..

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